Never Quite Sane In The Night (WIP)
by DeBrabant
Summary: One of the Scoobies save Buffy...but this act of heroism reveals them a whole new side of them...
1. Battle

Never Quite Sane In The Night

Never Quite Sane In The Night

By Danii

Disclaimer:I own no one and nothing…Everything (minus a couple of original characters) belongs to Joss Whedon and Comp.

Distribution:Take it if you wish, just tell me where you put it after you do so.You don't even have to ask.Just give me the URL afterwards.As long as my name is on it, I'm cool with it.

Rating:If you watch the show, you should be okay.No graphic love scenes or anything.

Dedication:This is dedicated to Lori Bush, whose wonderful stories have truly lightened many a day; Justin, who's always told me I'm cool; Jai L, who has inspired me more than he knows; Pete M., for writing some of the best stuff in the world; and Jarod.

NOTE:If some things confuse, they shall be explained.It's all apart of the story…

And now:

_Chapter 1:Battle._

_Summary:Xander saves Buffy…for a cost that could damage his relationship with the other Scoobies._

I hate battles.

Sure, we call it a battle.You can't really refer to the conflict between good and evil as anything as childish as a 'skirmish', or as simple as a 'scrap'.No, when fighting evil, you have to call it a battle.Even if it's as dirty, and painful, and chaotic, and dangerous, and frenzied as a good old brawl.

But that doesn't mean it felt great when I got hit in the face.It never feels great, no matter how noble or important. 

Of course, Lily was helping me as best she could.Despite the rather constraining clothing she was stuck in, the dancer was doing a really great job (as always) of helping me and the rest of the Scoobies fight off the vamps.Well, mostly she was helping me, but that was normal.I was quite aware of the huge crush Lily had on me, even if it wasn't really reciprocated.Luckily, she understood that, and the fact that I didn't intend to risk trying it out.

Giles was fighting next to Spike, the two actually complimenting each other in battle as much as they insulted each other in conversation.It was actually kinda funny.They tended to find one another in fights, I'd noticed.I figured it was because they were the only ones who understood the British curses and phrases the two of them grunted out in the course of the battle.

Jesse, as always, was protecting Willow, and of course Tara, though that was always secondary in Jesse's mind.I swear, I wish he'd told her long ago that he loved her, but of course, he'd never even considered trying when Willow was in her Xander-crush mode.Now, well…now was not a good time for him to tell her.But he could protect her.

However, my own eyes were focused on Buffy.Actually, they were focused on the vampire trying to kill me at the moment, but whenever I got the chance, I checked on the Slayer's fight with this week's big bad, a particularly nasty-looking demon named Skla-something-or-other.

She looked fine the first time I looked, but then I noticed something on the second glance.The demon wasn't really fighting her so much as moving her.Initially, I couldn't figure out why, but then I noticed the tree a few feet away from Buffy.The tree, but more importantly the sharp branch sticking out from the tree, which could very easily impale Buffy if she didn't notice it.

As I continued to watch (and Lily continue to make sure I didn't get my throat slashed out), I was sure that pushing Buffy into the branch was exactly what the demon planned to do.And, unfortunately, Buffy hadn't noticed it at all.

Immediately, I shouted over to Jesse for him to get over and catch Buffy, but he was far too busy with the two vamps that were trying to get Willow, and I certainly wouldn't want to kill one friend to save another, even if…

Then I looked over to Lily, but before I could even ask, I realized that should she leave, Anya (who was fighting by my side and thus being helped by Lily as well) would be overtaken as well as myself.She couldn't stop what she was doing without dire consequences.

So I did the most dangerous, frightening, stupid thing that I could have possibly done just as the demon kicked Buffy backwards toward the branch.

I leapt out of my body, let it drop to the floor, rushed behind my Slayer, and caught her before she hit the tree.

Buffy, shocked and amazed at the hands she no doubt felt but could never see, turned to look at who had caught her and why.But of course I was invisible, so all she was able to make out was the branch that could have very easily been her death.Then the demon got a kick into her side and Buffy was back into the fight, moving as far from that tree as she could.

Fear struck me as I realized just what peril I'd put myself in when I saw Anya looking down at my body, which was starting to look a bit gray.I knew I had to get back in soon.

Sure, I was nowhere near my limit, but you don't leave your body vacant any longer than necessary, especially on the Hellmouth.

Right away, I slipped back into my body, the tingling feeling reassuring me that I was in fact returned to my flesh.Lily, who had defended my body with the help of Anya, gave me a smile, and Anya herself gasped with relief that I had woken up.I guess she had thought I'd been concussed.

Suddenly, I heard a dull crunch noise from where the demon had been battling Buffy, and from the rather grunt-like cry, I figured out that the Slayer was indeed the victor.This fact was then confirmed by Buffy herself, as she made her way over to help the rest of us finish the vamps, which went quickly enough.I guess the vamps were a little disheartened by the death of their leader.

When she was done, Buffy walked over to where I was still lying on the ground and helped pull me up.

"You okay, Xand-man?" she asked good-naturedly, "Looks like you took a bit of a fall there…"

"I'm good, Buffster…" I answered cheerfully, "Just another addition to my list of all the times I've been knocked on my ass…"

"What're you up to?"

"Three hundred, forty-two point five."I answered with a straight face.Jesse, though, couldn't keep one and began to giggle from his nearly permanent position behind Willow.Lily, with a poker face straight out of a Western, just raised an eyebrow.

"Point five?" Willow asked, poking up behind Buffy with Tara in tow, "How did you get point five?"

I sighed and shook my head."Well, you were my math tutor.You tell me…"

"I doubt she could…" injected Giles, who was making his way slowly towards the rest of us.He looked like he was a little sore, which I could definitely understand.Hell, I was in some serious pain myself.There are REASONS why most people don't regularly leave their bodies…

"Eh, Red's pretty smart…" Spike argued as he swaggered up to the group.I swear, that's the only way he can walk.A swagger.I'm pretty sure all other walks have given up on him."She can figure out just about anything, even the mental workings of the droopy over there, though I'm sure that would be one hell of a job…"

Yeah, it would be.I don't even want to think of what could happen if she went into my head.There are too many secrets and dark places.It wouldn't be a good thing.I want her to always think of me as happy funny Xander.Her buddy and pal.I wouldn't want her to see that.

Wait, I didn't snap back at him.Can't have that.

"Hey…" I complained lamely.But luckily, I was saved by Buffy.

"That actually brings me to something important, guys…" she started, "While I was fighting that demon-"

Oh god no.Please don't say she noticed.Please don't say-

"He kicked me, and as I fell back, I could swear I felt hands catch me and stop me from falling…It was wacky."

Oh damn, she noticed. 

"Good move, genius…" muttered Jesse right in my ear.I replied back in a whisper for him to stuff it, which only served to make him giggle.

"What?"Giles asked, obviously still working on the adrenaline from the fight.

"Somebody invisible caught me."

"Someone…invisible…" the Watcher asked hesitantly.Then he took a closer look at Buffy."Did the Skla'Rakin demon hit you in the head?"

Immediately, as I expected, the Slayer exploded.

"What do you mean, did I get hit in the head!?" Buffy replied with a huff and a small pout, "What's so crazy about someone invisible?I mean, don't you remember that girl from high school that went invisible?And tons of demons do crazier things than that!"

"Yeah…" Spike agreed, sounding almost earnest until a sneer made it's way to his lips, "Except what idiotic demon would SAVE your bony behind, Slayer?"

"Oh, Shut up, toothless wonder…" I defended.No one, but no one insults Buffy's behind.

"Get bent, you little-"

"CHILDREN!" Giles interrupted, "I-"

"I am over a hundred bloody years old, Watcher…"

"Fine." Giles said with a sigh, "Children and evil blood-sucking fiend…"

"That's better…"

Another sigh.Damn, you'd think he'd patent that thing.He does it often enough.

"Buffy, do you think that perhaps you could show me where the invisible creature you say caught you…caught you?"

Buffy nodded, then proceeded over to the tree, it's branch still sticking dangerously out into the clearing.She pointed to the spot right in front of the branch that my spirit had been in only moments before.

"Here."The Slayer explained simply.Then she moved till she was in about the same position as when she'd been kicked."I was standing here when the demon knocked me back, I guess trying to shish-kabob me on the branch here, when I felt those hands catch me and stop me from moving back."

"Buffy," Willow started to say, "It's not-"

"The funny thing is that they felt familiar…"

"But Buffy…"

Buffy finally figured out that Willow was saying something.

"Huh?"

"Buffy," my best friend began as she walked over to where the Slayer was standing, "It's not possible.No one could have caught you if you were in that spot."

"Why not?" she asked, the beginnings of annoyance showing on her face.Sure, most wouldn't spot it, but once you've dealt with her for five years, you start to figure out things.Especially a certain time of the month.

"Because, you blonde twit…" Spike cut in, "If they'd been standing behind you, the bloody tree branch would have been halfway, if not all the way through, their chest…"

"Oh," the Slayer replied in what even I had to admit was not her best wit.Now was the time for me to squash this investigation.To dismiss it.To keep it a forgotten anecdote.But for the life of me, I couldn't think of anything good to say.

"Must've been the wind…" I told her with as much confidence and smooth cavalier-ness as I could muster.If there is one thing I've learned, it's not necessarily what you say, but how you say it.What else could explain why the German's cheered Kennedy's speech, even when he called himself a doughnut?

Oh, I could go for a doughnut…

All nice and rich, with lots of chocolate glaze and…

Real world.Real world.Or as real as my world gets.

"The wind?" Buffy asked me incredulously, "The wind."

"Yeah, the wind…"

This earned me a little smile and a small giggle.

"Oh Xander…"

And then she began to walk over to me to, I don't know, hug me or slap me on the back or something, but she tripped on a piece of wrecked pavement.

I did what came naturally.I caught her.

For a moment, there was silence between the two of us as the others asked if Buffy was okay, or overly tired, or injured or whatnot.Then those hazel-green eyes turned up to mine in a silent question which I knew my eyes were answering truthfully even as I wished they wouldn't.It was then that the shout rang out.

"Xander!"


	2. Explanations

Chapter 2: Explanations

_Chapter 2:Explanations_

_Summary:Xander explains some things he's been hiding for a long time…_

"All right, I admit it!"I shouted in panic, "It was me! I caught you with my-"

"Huh?" Buffy asked, giving me a rather perplexed look as she made her way out of my arms to look at me."What are you talking about?"

What does she mean?She just asked me…she just…the question…she said…

I looked down to see that the object she'd tripped on was not in fact a piece of pavement, but my shoe that had fallen off during the fight.

Oh cripes.

No, scratch that.This situation warrants a genuine curse.

Oh shit.

"But now that you've…blurted it out rather loudly right in front of us," Buffy continued with a strange glint in her eyes that scared me worse then anything the Hellmouth has thrown at me, "I'm a little more interested in what you were saying before."

"What?"I said, hoping to God that my stupid act would work.Please work…Please work…Harris brain, please bail out Harris mouth…

No dice."Oh, you know…" she continued as the others watched in wonder and confusion, "The whole 'I admit it!I caught you!' thing.That bit."

"Yeah, Xander…" Willow chimed in, "I'd like to know about that too.I get kinda concerned when my friends suddenly develop the ability to be skewered without death…"

Oh great, now they're teaming up on me.All except Anya, thank God.But everyone else was looking at me with that 'what-did-you-do-now' expression that I am so sick of, and Jesse's laughing form rolling around my feet wasn't helping any.

"Jes…" I hissed angrily, tired of his antics, before I realized what a huge mistake THAT was.Wow, I'm batting a thousand tonight, I thought.

"Jes?" Giles asked, getting in on the beat-up-on-Xander action, "Who on earth are you speaking to, Xander?You couldn't possibly be talking to-"

"Jesse…" Willow said solemnly, hushing all of the others.Even Jesse shut up and stood up straight.Then again, it was Willow.

There was a moment of silence, and then Buffy came back into the conversation, sounding even more pissed then she had been.

"Jesse?" she asked, "Didn't you stake him, like, five years ago?And, as much as a trip down memory lane is important, I'd like to get back to the invisible-and-not-shish-kabobable part…"

Now I sighed, understanding just why the G-man did it so often.It was such a perfect way to express absolute frustration and unimaginable tiredness.

"Let's all head back to the Magic Box and I'll explain everything, okay?"I told them, hoping that the trip would give me enough time to collect my thoughts into a sensible explanation, though, considering what I had to tell them, it wasn't likely…

**

"It all started that night when I staked Jesse…

"You see, I didn't exactly have the best home life as all of you are probably aware.But the one person who would always let me sleep over, even when we were in high school…the guy who would help me to vent, or deal, or would…bandage me up when things didn't go well.That was Jesse.As much as Willow would always help me, Jesse was the guy I really talked to because I didn't want to scare her.

"Then, when I staked him…it was too much.Too much for me to deal with.Vampires, Hellmouths, my parents, and then killing my own best friend.I couldn't deal.Sure, I joked, I made silly comments, but inside I cracked.I couldn't take it.

"That's when it started.That's when I started seeing them, the lost souls.The ghosts, the spirits, all of them walking around this town like normal people almost.I mean, they knew they were dead, but they hadn't wanted to move on when they died, and then they didn't know how to move on after they finished their business or whatever.

"So, being the only living person around who could see, speak, and deal with them, I sort of became their friend.I told them about the ones they cared about who were still alive, or I just talked about the news.But as I got to know them better, I realized that it wasn't enough just to be their friends.I wanted to help them.

"I took out a buncha books from the library and I started to learn about the afterlife, about lost spirits, and about moving on to the next world.I learned about the portals to the next world, and I memorized the spell to open them for my friends so that they could move on.

"I became known among the dead as the Guide.I would take them to one of the many portals here in town, open it up for them, and help them through.And it was while I started doing this that I found Jesse."

It was at this point that I looked around the shop at my audience, only to find completely blank faces.Even the vampire looked bamboozled.Anya just looked a little scared. 

"What?You don't believe me?"I asked, just a hint of anger in my voice that I couldn't suppress.

There was more silence, and then Willow slowly made her way over to me.

"No, Xander…" she told me, "We really don't know what to think.I mean, I never knew that you were so affected by Jesse's death.To…imagine that-"

"Imagine!" I shouted, stepping back from her, "What do you mean, imagine?"

"Well, Xan…" Buffy broke in, "It's not exactly a secret that you kinda have power envy…"

"Power envy?" I asked.Oh, don't even tell me their thinking what I think they're thinking!

"Well, making up-"

"I'm not making up anything!" 

"Xan-"

"No," I said finally, pulling away from Willow angrily.How could she think that I would do something like that?How could she think that of me, that I was that petty?That dumb?"What, do you want proof?"

"It would certainly help you…" Giles informed me politely, obviously staying neutral in this one.He either believed me and didn't want to say anything till he had proof, or he didn't believe and was willing to give me a chance, which I appreciated.You know, for all my teasing, he's not too bad.

"Yeah, though I don't think he'd lie about something like this…" agreed Anya, who obviously believed me.That gave me a bit more confidence.

"Fine." I answered roughly, "Jesse, would you mind picking up that book from the counter?And Lily, I would appreciate if you'd start giving Spike a backrub for me.And Mr. Salazar?Mr. Salazar?(he's a little deaf even as a ghost) Yes, thank you.Could you, um, splash Buffy with that little bottle of holy water?Thanks, you guys…"

Immediately, my post-mortem pals began doing the tasks I'd asked of them: Jesse and Lily because they knew I wanted to get this off my chest, and Mr. Salazar the old shop owner because he wanted to tell Giles a few things, which would be impossible without them believing me.

As I'd asked, the book was lifted off of the counter by a to-them-invisible Jesse, while Spike started to make purring noises.However, Mr. Salazar was obviously hesitant about splashing Buffy.

"Go on, Mr. S, do it.Remember that management chart you wanted me to show Giles?" I reminded him.And even as I said it, the small bottle of holy water lifted itself off of the table and was squirted at the Slayer, whose eyes were wide with shock and disbelief.

"Now do you believe me?"I asked tiredly.

Buffy, her eyes blazing, answered first.

"Yes, Xander…I believe you…"

"Good."

"But if you EVER wreck another shirt of mine again, I swear to God that you will join your friends!"

"Oh…"

It was then that Tara interrupted to calm the room.

"Why don't we let Xander finish his story?" the blonde witch said, for which I gave her a quick smile of appreciation.I guess she kinda understands how I'm feeling.I mean, I remember when she thought she was a demon.That must have been harder than this even.

"Anyway…"

Then I noticed Spike.

"Thanks, Lily.You can stop now…" 

Lily, who had obviously gotten into the backrub almost as much as the vampire had, looked up at me with confused eyes, to which I just rolled my own and gave her a smile.God, Lily is such a sweet lady, but sometimes she worries me.

"But he seems to be enjoying it, and I do have a reputation to protect…"

I sighed."I know, Lily, but I know from experience that one can't really listen to anything during one of your backrubs, and I need Spike to hear me."

"Okay." Lily agreed, stepping away from the vampire much to his distress.

"Eh!She was good!Come back!" the bleach-blonde cried.

"ANYWAY," I started again, "Now that we've gotten past the disbelief section in the program…I'll continue…"


	3. Introductions

Chapter 3: Introductions

_Chapter 3:Introductions___

_Summary:Xander finishes explaining some things, and then introduces some of his friends to the Scooby gang._

"So, as I was-"

"But Xander-"

"WHAT?" I shouted, until I realized who'd said it.Willow.Then I repeated the question more calmly, but still with an edge.'Power envy' my foot…"What, Wil?"

"It's just that nothing you've said really explains the whole 'caught Buffy' thing…" she commented in a quiet, remorseful tone.

"Well, I'm getting to that…" I explained, "I figured if I was going to tell this to you all, I'd tell you the whole thing.That's coming up."

"Oh…" Willow replied, still sounding sorry.I think that she, of everyone, realized how badly they had hurt my feelings with that 'you're imagining' crap.Then again, she's Willow.

"So, anyway," I started again, "I found Jesse. He was-"

"Now, I am just wondering, but how exactly did you find him?" Giles asked with interest.That perked me up.If Giles believed me enough to ask things, the gang would do so soon enough.

"Jes?Oh, he'd heard of my reputation, and since the one thing he'd stuck around to do had been done by someone already-"

"And what was that?"Anya asked, getting into the story.

"Stake Darla." I told them simply, "He had wanted revenge on her, and had planned to kill her, but Deadboy got there first, as you all know…"

"And?" Spike prodded impatiently.I think he wanted to distance things as far away from his sire as possible.

"And so, after he saw her explode into dust bunnies, he went to the Guide, which he never knew was me, his best friend."

"That was one hell of a surprise…" Jesse commented from the counter where he'd picked up the book, "Who'da thought my idiot best bro was the 'great and benevolent Guide'…"

"Thanks, Jes…" I answered him, which got me a strange look from everyone.But I just moved on.

"So, when we met, I told him everything about the Scoobies and everything, and he decided that he wanted to stay and help me."

"You see, Jesse, and Lily, who I'll introduce in a minute, can do a lot of helpful things.They can walk through walls, they can (though it takes concentration) move or hold objects, and other things.So Jesse decided that he would protect me and Willow during battles."

"You mean-"

"Yes…" I answered, "Every fight we've ever fought, Jesse and others have helped us out.It's probably one of the reasons I've lived this long."

Willow, who had sat stone faced during the entire time, finally blinked.

"Jesse?" she asked carefully.

A second later, Jesse pulled out a pad and pen from behind the counter and began to write, the pen scrambling along the surface of the paper.Written was the reply of 'Yes, Willow?'

Willow, old hand of the Hellmouth, heavy duty Witch, backed up like a frightened rabbit and gasped.Oh boy.

"Jes, you're scaring her…" I told him.

"Well, how else was I gonna answer her?" he asked irritably.

"I don't know…"

"You could've spoke through Xan." Lily put in.

"They don't even totally believe him yet, Lil." Jesse replied crossly as he held up the piece of paper to her, "I figure this would answer her AND give him more proof."

"Can't prove any-"

"YO!" I interrupted my two friends to get peace.They don't bicker often but when they do… "It's all right.Just warn me next time…"

"Okay," Jesse responded with a shrug; then he continued writing.

I turned to all the people who still had bodies (when there's a vampire in the bunch, you can't really say 'all the people still living'), and all of them except Willow were looking back at me like I'd just pulled a rabbit out of my ear.

"What?"

"You just…treat this as if it's absolutely common, don't you?" Giles asked me with a strange sense of wonder in his tone.

I shrugged."Been doing it since Freshmen year.I'm kinda used to it."

"And the out of body experiences?" Giles continued to question, obviously trying to steer me towards explaining tonight's events.But I had one more thing to cover.

"In a minute, G-man…" I said, "Just let me introduce you to Lily…"

Immediately, the dead dancer turned around to face us all the preened, though only I saw it.It made me smile.

"Lily has been dead for a little under a hundred years.She came out to California to work as a performer in a bar out here for her sister, and she was only here a year or so before a vampire attacked her on her way home from work.

"I met her around three years ago, and she's helped me, and you guys, since."

There was silence, and then Lily walked over to Jesse, grabbed the pen and a piece of paper from the bottom of the pad, and wrote something.Then she held it up.

"Hi.Nice to meet you all." It read in Lily's flowing script.

"And nice to meet you too, luv." Spike said with an appreciative glance at where the paper was, "It'd be even nicer if you continued the job you were doin' on my back…" 

I looked to Lily, and she looked to me.Then we both looked to Spike.

"Shut up…" we chorused, though I was the only one heard.

"Can't blame a bloke for tryin'…" the vampire answered shamelessly.

"We can ALWAYS blame you, o' biteless wonder…always…"

Spike looked like he was about to argue, but decided against it.Buffy, who'd been rather quiet, spoke before he had a chance to change his mind.

"So?" she asked, "About the tree?"

"Well," I started again, "That part of the deal I found out way back in Freshmen year when I got possessed by the hyena."

"The hyena?" Willow asked, looking up from whatever Jesse was writing her.I wasn't really interested in what he was writing, since I knew that he was leaving out the most important thing he had to say to her anyway….

Oh boy, they're gonna be mad."Um, I kinda lied to you guys about that.I did remember everything about that-"

"You-

"But not like you think." I interrupted hastily, "You see, when the hyena possessed me, it REALLY took over my body and pushed out my spirit.I wasn't in there at all.It just kicked me out, which was a bizarre feeling if I may say so.And when the hyena left, I jumped back into my body, which was a really strange experience too.But after that, I did a little research of my own and found out why.

"Remember how I said that staking Jesse made me 'crack'?Well, that's true.The pain sort of tore a little gap in the link between my body and my soul.THAT's why I can see spirits, cause I'm sorta a spirit that's just in a body.And that's why, I found out, I could leave my body without dying, at least for a little while.

"Pretty much my limit is a half an hour, but I try not to stay out of my body at all."

"Why?" Tara asked quietly.I'm pretty sure that's how she does everything."That sounds like a wonderful thing to be able to do…"

"Yeah," I agreed, "It is interesting, but it's also dangerous.While I'm out of my body, it's even easier to possess me than usual.I'm like an empty glove waiting to be filled, and there are far too many hands in this little town that would love to fill that glove and leave me a without a body."

"So you're saying," Buffy asked, "That you jumped out of your body as a ghost, ran behind me, and then caught me?"

"Pretty much, Buffster…" I answered calmly, "Then I ran back to my body and hopped in before anyone else got the idea…"

There was a pause, and then Buffy ever so slowly walked over to me and gave me a big hug.Then she pulled back, arms still wonderfully around me, and looked up at me with those beautiful eyes so full of…something I can't even describe.

"Thank you, Xander…" she said softly, "But I've just got one question…"

"What?" I replied, a bit giddy.

"WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL US THIS BEFORE!?"


	4. Apologies

Chapter 4: Apologies  
Summary: Xander explains his reasons for not telling the others.  
  
"Um..."  
  
"Well?" Willow prompted, now on solid footing. This was the big thing, the major no-no. Not telling all to my best buds...especially her.  
  
"Um..." I stalled, "Do you want the truth, or the much better sounding roundabout story?"  
  
"The truth..." Buffy injected ever so helpfully. I mean, I hadn't expected anything else, but still...  
  
I looked down, knowing that meeting eyes with any of the people around me would have been painful at this point.  
  
"Well," I repeated with a sigh, "The truth is...well...not any specific reason. It was just sort of the way things went."  
  
"What the bloody hell do you mean by that?" Spike asked, obviously curious, "Just tell us, whelp..."  
  
Oh God, I felt like dying right then. I mean, when William the Bloody, Scourge of Europe starts questioning your reasons, things have not gone right. I breathed in and out for a moment to calm myself.  
  
"At first," I began, feeling as if a huge weight was lying on my shoulders, "It was just easier. I mean, I was still adjusting to the whole 'vampires and demons and ghouls, oh my' thing, and I just couldn't deal with anything else.  
  
"Then, once all that finally calmed down again, I got worried that you would all think I was crazy. I mean, I never really made all that much of a fuss when Jesse died, so I figured you'd all think I was just 'expressing repressed emotions' or something like that. So I didn't tell you. Then it sort of became personal."  
  
"Personal?" Anya asked, obviously a little upset, "I'm your girlfriend! You're supposed to share all things personal with me, and-"  
  
"And I'm your best friend!" cried Willow.  
  
"And I'm-"  
  
"I know..." I told her, cutting off the rest of the rant, "But...it was my thing. It was my thing apart from the Scoobie Gang, something that made me feel important all by myself. Something I was actually good at."  
  
"But why, Xander?" Buffy asked, her voice a mix of sadness and confusion, "Why did you feel like you needed something apart from us? And why did you think that you were bad at-"  
  
"At what? Saving the world?" I finished for her, "Buffy, I'm human. That's it. I can't do magic, I can't fly faster then a speeding bullet. Hell, I barely graduated high school. This is one of the only things I'm good at that makes me happy."  
  
"But if it made you happy, Xander, and if it had possible applications for our use, why didn't you tell us?" Giles questioned, speaking up for the first time in a while. For some reason, he looked very sad...as if I had hurt his feelings. Then I found out that I had. "I've always thought that we were like a family..."  
  
"Hey!" protested Spike.  
  
"With one cousin that no one in particularly likes who mooches all the food" the Watcher amended.  
  
"Well," I explained, speaking very carefully, "How would you have reacted if you'd known that I got to speak to Jenny after she died?"  
  
I turned to Buffy.  
  
"Or Joyce?"  
  
I looked at the room in general.  
  
"Or any of the other people who we've lost over the years? What would you have done? Do you really think you'd have done the right thing and let them go, let them move on to where they belonged?"  
  
Now none of them looked at me.  
  
"It's hard enough for me to do it..." I told them, putting every ounce of the pain I'd known for years into my voice, "I didn't want to make it any worse for you..."   
  
"But you could have had us to support you, Xander..." Willow told me sadly, "We could have helped you deal with it."  
  
I shook my head. They still didn't understand.  
  
"No, you couldn't. And I didn't want you to have to. You guys have much more important things to worry about then me. You save the world. You needed to be able to focus on that as much as possible. I wasn't about to distract you from that."  
  
"But-"   
  
"But nothing," I cut her off, now starting to get angry, "It's done. I've lived with it, I've dealt with it, the past is past, now you know..."  
  
"Because you saved me..."Buffy said, now realizing just how important this all was to me. It wasn't just a power, it was a job. An often painful, but very important and meaningful job that was a major part of who I was.  
  
"Yes, Buffster," I replied, "Because I saved you..."  
  
"But," Willow began to ask, looking at me with startled eyes, "You would have told us eventually, right?"  
  
I glanced over to her, then shrugged. "I don't know," I admitted honestly, "I really don't know."  
  
Jesse and Lily, who had remained quiet during the entire discussion, walked over to me. Jesse put his spectral arm around my shoulder in a way which, despite the tingle of flesh not actually there, made me feel a little better. Lily took my hand into her own.  
  
"You told them..." she said quietly, "That's the important part. You can't change the past, and you shouldn't dwell on it either..."  
  
"Besides," Jesse pointed out with the beginnings of a grin on his face, "You start brooding, I'm gonna call you 'Deadboy' for a week..."  
  
I laughed at that, even as Lily reached through me to give my deceased best friend a smack in the head. Everyone stared at me.  
  
"Don't ask..." I answered the confused stares, "I'll just say that people in Sunnydale, alive or dead, are totally bonkers..."  
  
Then the group closed in for a hug, and I knew that while I did still have some explaining to do, especially to Anya, that they finally understood me as I'd thought only Willow might. And this thought brought a wide grin to my face.  
  
"Aw, you guys..."  
  



End file.
